Navigating Transactional Relationships in Healing Journeys
"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." — Brené Brown
In the realm of healing and personal growth, our paths often intersect with those of others who seem to resonate with our experiences. Such encounters can feel profound, as if we've known the other person for an eternity, despite the brevity of our actual acquaintance.
Recently, I had such an interaction with a fellow healing facilitator. Our connection was deep and authentic, or so I believed. It was only after the abrupt end of our week-long communication that I found myself pondering the true nature of what I had experienced.
Upon reflection, I realised that while the connection felt meaningful and genuine to me, it might not have been perceived the same way by the other person. Throughout our interactions, I had willingly held space for them as they navigated emotional overwhelm and confusion regarding a particular situation. It was a role I embraced wholeheartedly, feeling the weight of their emotions and offering support.
One evening, after a particularly deep conversation, I felt compelled to share my own emotions. It was a vulnerable moment, one that felt necessary to honour the connection we were building. Historically, speaking my truth had often led to people walking away, yet I chose to take the risk, believing in the authenticity of our bond.
However, following my disclosure, the person chose to disconnect completely. They expressed gratitude for how I shared my feelings and for the clarity our conversations had provided them and hoped that I, in turn, had learned that vulnerability does not equate to rejection. Yet, the irony was palpable as their words of reassurance were contradicted by their actions of departure. I was left bewildered, questioning how our dynamic had become so transactional.
Understanding Transactional Relationships
In times of personal crisis or healing, relationships can inadvertently become transactional. This often occurs when individuals are primarily focused on their own healing journeys and may unconsciously engage with others as a means to an end. Here are a few reasons why this might happen:
Emotional Overwhelm: When someone is overwhelmed by their own emotions, they may unintentionally prioritise their needs over mutual connection. The relationship becomes a space for them to process, rather than a reciprocal exchange.
Seeking Clarity: Individuals may enter relationships seeking clarity or resolution for their own issues. Once they achieve this, they might feel the need to move on, viewing the interaction as a completed transaction.
Fear of Vulnerability: For some, the fear of vulnerability and emotional exposure can lead to retreat. They may struggle to reciprocate openness, instead choosing to distance themselves when faced with another's vulnerability.
Self-Protection: In healing journeys, self-preservation can become a priority. People might withdraw from connections that challenge their comfort zones or present emotional risks.
Reflections on Personal Patterns
As I mentioned earlier, I have a history of abandonment and rejection that follows when I speak my truth. While pondering the perceived ending of this connection, I realised that historically, the heartbreak has endured for a long time after, as I have fallen into a pattern of believing that I'm too much or too intense... even when I match the intensity of the other person.
This reflection led me to consider not only my patterns but also the potential past patterns of those I connect with. I have not always considered what their past experiences in relationships might have been, nor have I duly noted the length of their previous relationships or behaviors toward others. Instead, I have often sat with a perceived wrongness within me.
Navigating One-Sided Vulnerability
It can be challenging when you believe your vulnerability is respected, only to realise it was a one-sided street. Here are some insights on navigating these situations:
Acknowledge Your Courage: Recognise the bravery it takes to be vulnerable. Regardless of the other person's response, your willingness to open up is a testament to your strength and authenticity.
Reflect on the Experience: Consider what you learned from the interaction and how it made you feel. Use these insights to guide your future relationships.
Re-evaluate Boundaries: Assess your boundaries and determine what you need from others in terms of emotional support and reciprocity.
Seek Support Elsewhere: Surround yourself with empathetic individuals who offer a safe and supportive space for mutual vulnerability.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you process these feelings. Your vulnerability is a gift, and not everyone may be ready to receive it.
The Future of the Relationship
While the realisation of a one-sided dynamic can be challenging, it doesn't always mean the end of a relationship. Here are a few possibilities to consider:
Open Communication: Sometimes, addressing the issue openly can lead to a deeper understanding and strengthen the relationship. If both parties are willing to engage in honest communication, it can pave the way for resolving misunderstandings and setting healthier boundaries.
Growth Opportunity: These situations can serve as catalysts for personal growth for both individuals. Recognising and addressing one-sided dynamics can lead to more balanced and fulfilling connections in the future.
Reevaluation and Adjustment: The relationship may need to be reevaluated and adjusted to better meet the needs of both parties. This might involve redefining the nature of the relationship or setting new expectations.
Mutual Decision: In some cases, both parties may mutually decide to part ways if the relationship no longer serves their growth or well-being. This can be a healthy decision that allows each person to continue their journey separately.
My hope is that, one day, this person will come back into my life. From my side, the door is open, and I remain hopeful for a future reconnection.
While transactional relationships can leave us feeling bewildered and hurt, they also offer valuable lessons. They remind us of the importance of setting boundaries, understanding our own needs, and recognising the dynamics at play. Ultimately, these experiences guide us back to ourselves, encouraging growth and deeper self-awareness.
