Experiencing Real Love

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." – Oscar Wilde

In August 2018, I found myself at a pivotal crossroads, reflecting on a twelve-year relationship that had left me feeling more like a resource than a cherished partner. It was a relationship where the words "I love you" were spoken only once, creating an emotional void that echoed through the years. Anger and frustration were my constant companions as I grappled with dynamics that eroded my sense of self and left me questioning the very nature of commitment.

As I awakened to my reality, I began to establish boundaries, striving to reclaim the parts of myself overshadowed by years of unspoken discontent. Writing became my sanctuary—a space to articulate the complex emotions swirling within me. I chose to transform my pain into words, not as an accusatory gesture, but as a means of healing and self-discovery. Through my writing, I hoped others might find solace in my experiences, recognising themselves in my journey and drawing strength from our shared struggles.

This blog post reflects that crucial moment—a moment where I began to illuminate the darkness and embrace the lessons emerging from the shadows. It stands as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of vulnerability in the pursuit of authentic connection.

Reading this article, seven years later I recognise how much I've grown.

The following was previously published on The Peacock Dreaming Blog (23 August 2018).

Real love is something most of spend our lives searching for.  I am beginning to realise it is far closer than I had considered.  Finding real love, the truest of true really is so close I can reach out and touch it!

I have been spending a fair bit of time pondering this lately.  I lament over the "couch potato" in the other room who wont hold my hand in public unless under duress or use the "L" word when describing his feelings for me.  Sigh.  With the onset of perimenopause and crazy hormones flying left, right and centre, I have been dragging my self-esteem ad self-worth behind me.  Looking deep into my eyes in the bathroom mirror, I think to myself, "you deserve to be treated better than this.  Why are you settling for less than you really deserve?"  Life is far too short not to feel loved.

Lately I have been realising how much I place that responsibility of love me on the shoulders of my partner.  Experiencing real love needs to start with me.  Expressing this love for myself is as simple as allowing myself to enjoy something that makes me fizz.  This may entail catching up with dear friends or participating in a hobby that lights me up.  We need to celebrate the wins in lifer.  Even the smallest achievements of which there are many if we choose to acknowledge them.

Setting Boundaries

In relationships, many of us prioritise everyone else's needs ahead of our own.  Our personal needs get placed at the back of the queue and often don't get met.  For many, this deprivation continues to such an extend that eventually the empty person calls time on the relationship with the belief and expectation we deserve to be treated better.

I listened to a Matt Kahn youtube clip last week for three days running, hoping the video's message would infiltrate my sub-conscious brain.  Matt's words really struck a chord with me.  The essence of this message is this:  In order to really love yourself you need to gift yourself with what your being needs.  You need to respect yourself by setting boundaries that allow you to nourish yourself.  It might be you are tired, in pain, or out of sorts emotionally to participate in discussions or tasks requested of you.  It may also be that you need to feel and experience the realisation that you actually have a choice to say "yes" or "no".  You choosing you doesn't mean you are not choosing them.  It means you are honouring you.  In doing so, you offer them the best version of you - a you that glows with love from the inside.

Saying "no" isn't always pretty

 As an inherent people pleaser, saying "no" or agreeing to something on my terms is often difficult for me.  Lately I have been practicing hard.  I have also been observing the reactions of my partner.  To say the least, it has been very interesting.  To him, me saying "no" and sticking to it appeared to be interpreted as me being grumpy or irritable.  I caught my self thinking in response, "Well, I wasn't grumpy before, but I bloody well am now".  To be completely honest, he has a point.  You see, before I even open my mouth to speak, I have a movie reel that plays in my mind.  I imagine the anticipated reaction to my "no" and I dialogue the conversation out in my head.  I fortify myself for a battle of wills, pleading with myself to remain steadfast.  Quite frankly, I end up utterly exhausted even before I mutter the word, "no".  Historically, I have chosen to say "yes" thinking that I will side-step this feeling.  I end up pissed off with myself as I feel it anyway.  Inevitably (and unfortunately) I often then project this on to him.

Setting boundaries and expressing self-love and respect for myself are clearly not the only matters I need to take responsibility for.  I also have the responsibility for mastering my mind, being aware of where my emotional and mental shit comes from, and choosing not to engage with negative self-talk that plagues my mind.

Saying "no" felt great though.  Being able to enjoy finishing the task I had started was heaven.  It was just what I needed at the time.  And when I had finished I was able to offer my assistance.

Relationships are a dance

Each of us bring into our relationships our past trespasses, pain and sorrow which we vow never to experience again. It is like we have a post-traumatic stress reaction as we flinch at words or events that trigger memories held deep within. We feel so empty inside we believe the real romantic, juicy love we seek is outside of us in the form of another person or experience. In reality, if we honour ourselves we have a better capacity to honour another person. If we understand the complex games within our own minds, we have a greater capacity to empathise with another person. We stop taking things so personally when we are full of our own love. We are better able to walk our own path and also respect our loved one's choices to do so.

Looking deep into my eyes in the bathroom mirror each morning is changing. When I see those tired eyes looking back at me I think, "I need to give you some downtime so you can rest. I love you."