Embracing the Art of Letting Go
"Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, anxiety, or possessions—we cannot be free." — Thich Nhat Hanh
Letting go is a concept that many of us grapple with throughout our lives. For some, it comes naturally, while for others, like myself, it has always been a struggle.
Since childhood, I have found myself holding onto things—whether it's past failures, feelings of wrongness, or the need to understand everything completely before I can release it.
Throughout my life thus far, I have been a bower bird—you would be stunned at the things I have kept ahold of from my childhood. Scrapbooks, the teddy bear I got at my christening (god forbid, it's getting to the point where that is now deemed an antiquity), medals I won as a child, old letters—these tangible memories have been part of my journey, and this "holding on" tendency is deeply embedded in my being.
So, why is letting go such a challenge for some of us? Allow me to share some personal insights that might resonate with you:
Fear of Failure and Perfectionism: This has always been a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, it drove me to achieve remarkable things at a young age. I developed an "I'll show you" mentality as a child, determined to prove my maternal grandfather wrong about his perception that I would never achieve anything. This mentality became my code book, pushing me to exceed expectations. However, I later realised that these achievements, driven by a "flip the bird" attitude towards my doubters, did not bring true satisfaction. They were pursued to win affection and approval, rather than being true to who I am.
Why We Fall into This Habit: Fear of failure and perfectionism often stem from a desire for control and validation. When we feel inadequate or judged, we strive to prove ourselves, sometimes at the expense of our true desires and happiness.
Need for Understanding: Another double-edged sword in my life. Diving deep into feelings, figuring things out, and transforming challenges into opportunities has been pivotal in my healing journey, especially in my later years. Writing about these experiences has allowed me to process and let go of past pain.
Why We Fall into This Habit: The need for understanding is rooted in our desire for clarity and closure. We seek to make sense of our experiences to find peace and move forward. However, this can also trap us in overthinking and prevent us from releasing what no longer serves us.
The Comfort of the Known: This goes hand in hand with the need for understanding. Letting go often means stepping into the unknown, which can be uncomfortable and scary. The familiarity of our current situation, even if it's not ideal, can feel safer than the uncertainty of change.
Why We Fall into This Habit: The comfort of the known provides a sense of security and stability. Change is inherently uncertain, and our brains are wired to seek safety, often leading us to cling to the familiar.
Obsessive Thoughts and Compulsive Actions
Obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions can also be significant barriers when it comes to letting go. Here's why this happens and how we can work through it:
Anxiety and Control: Throughout my adult life, I've been challenged with anxiety to the point where I've been unable to see situations for what they truly are. Everything seems chaotic, and it feels like my house of cards is pending collapse. In these moments, obsessive thoughts often stem from a need for control. When faced with uncertainty or the prospect of letting go, my mind can latch onto repetitive thoughts as a way to create a sense of control and predictability. Clinging to hope or certainty feels like a life raft in a stormy sea.
Fear of the Unknown: Letting go involves stepping into the unknown, which can trigger fear and anxiety. Obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions can be a way to cope with this fear, providing temporary relief from the discomfort of uncertainty.
Perfectionism: As mentioned earlier, perfectionism can drive obsessive behaviours. The need to have everything just right can prevent us from releasing control and accepting imperfections.
Emotional Attachments: Strong emotional attachments can lead to obsessive thinking, as we struggle to detach from people, places, or experiences that hold significant meaning to us. These attachments often stem from a fear of abandonment and a desire for familiarity. The need for connection and the emotional investment we make in relationships and experiences can make detachment feel like a significant loss.
Why We Struggle to Detach: Fear of loss, unresolved emotions, identity ties, and hope for change can all contribute to the difficulty in letting go. Understanding these underlying reasons can provide clarity and help us approach the process of letting go with compassion and awareness.
How to Work Through Obsessive and Compulsive Tendencies
Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Meditation can create a space of calm and help you observe obsessive thoughts without getting entangled in them.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): CBT is an effective therapeutic approach for addressing obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. It helps identify and challenge distorted thinking patterns and develop healthier coping strategies. Click on this link to find a CBT exercise that may help you.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can be a powerful way to release them. Journaling allows you to explore your feelings and gain insights into the underlying causes of your obsessions.
Gradual Exposure: Gradually exposing yourself to the idea of letting go, in small and manageable steps, can help reduce anxiety over time. This approach can help desensitise you to the fear of the unknown.
Seek Professional Help: If obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions are significantly impacting your life, seeking the guidance of a mental health professional can provide personalised support and strategies.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate these challenges. Recognise that it's okay to struggle and that healing is a journey, not a destination.
By understanding the roots of obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions, and implementing strategies to address them, you can work towards letting go and finding peace. Remember, it's a process, and every small step counts.
As I continue my journey from shadows to self, I am learning to embrace the art of letting go. It is not always easy, but each step brings me closer to a life of freedom and authenticity.
